I'm Struggling

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

For those of you that don't know me, allow me to introduce myself; my name is Jayde, i'm twenty-eight years old, and I live in London. I'm a lesbian, I love music, and I could re-watch Friends a thousand times over and never get bored. I like to go on holidays to Greece, cats are my favourite animal, and studied Art and Photography as a teen. I also suffer with anxiety and depression.

Some days the mental illness doesn't feel as important as the other facts about myself. At the moment, it feels like the only prominent thing about myself. In short; I'm struggling. I'm really fucking struggling. It's (thankfully) been a while since i've been in a headspace as confusing as this one, but because of that I feel like i've kind of forgotten how to handle it. I don't remember how I moved past it last time, it almost feels impossible. The scary thing is, I think this all stemmed from something as simple as having a bad nights sleep.

I woke up on a Monday morning and I physically couldn't get myself out of bed. I remember looking at the clock all night. 1am, 3am, 5am, 7am. I could not settle, my mind was all over the place and in total I got about an hours rest. It absolutely messed me up. How could something as simple as sleep effect my mind this intensely? Why could I not move? Why was I having all these dark, depressive thoughts? Why could I just not see any positives?

Sometimes you have to take some time for yourself. You have to put your life on hold and you have to make yourself well. Relying on others potentially sets you up for disappointment and heartache which isn't healthy. I never really understood the "you have to make yourself happy before you can make someone else happy", but really, no truer word has ever been spoken. Let people and things compliment you, not define you.

I've always wished I was one of those spontaneous people, you know the ones I mean; laced with confidence and very few cares in the world. The reality is, that's not me. Routine is the most important factor in my wellbeing. I need a motive to keep me busy, I need to have some kind of worth. I need to get a good nights sleep. One late night throws me completely off-track for a few days and it takes me some time to recuperate. My mind has to build the structure again and I have to train myself to remember my importance. This is the only way I know how to cope.

I write lists. So many lists. I obsessively clean my flat because it makes me feel like I have control over something. I edit photos to create an aesthetic and feel accomplished. I write blog posts because it makes me feel like I haven't wasted my spare time. I colour because it makes me feel like I haven't completely lost my creative mind I once had. I don't drink much because I know it makes me worse. I truly feel like I do so many things to try and help myself, and it's so extremely difficult when a depressive episode makes you doubt yourself. Doubt your coping mechanisms, doubt the things that make you you.

The sad reality is that I don't know if i'll ever fully get passed this. I don't know if i'll ever be happy with myself. Be proud of who I am. I feel like a shell of myself that is just waiting for the next thing to knock me down.
© Image Source: Pexels

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